beauty.

As seen on a friend's blog –
"GK Chesterton's definition of a saint lies on my heart again. He says a saint is one who exaggerates what the world neglects. If I could choose one great gift that the world is neglecting I would have to choose feminine energy. It is what we need to save the world. It is what we need to be saints. Feminine energy is powerful because it is pure presence--gentle yet firm. It is an energy that gives warmth, comfort, and spirit simply by its presence. It receives rather than takes. It invites rather than demands. It unfolds rather than controls. It empowers rather than overpowers. It finds itself in being rather than in doing. Feminine energy shows her best face in leisure. She doesn't take time. She has time. She has time to be. This world is starving for this energy. It is part of the fire Christ came to cast on the earth-- a slow flame that burns from within and gradually transforms what it touches, precisely because it touches rather than clutches."
– A Tree Full of Angels by Macrina Wiederkehr



I love that. I have nothing more to say. :)

amazing is Our GOD!

God is pretty much amazing. He loves me so much it's unreal. He loves all of us so much it is unreal. He loves us despite our failings, He loves us despite our shortcomings. He is the only one who will love us despite our problems. He loves us where we are. He is amazing.

These 2 scripture verses have been on my Heart Lately.

1 Corinthians 10:13 -- No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

Romans 12: 1-2, 9-21
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. 20On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Last weekend i went on a women's retreat with Our Lady of Sorrows sisters at their Convent in Alexandria. God opened up my eyes in so many ways. IN the past i had thought about a calling to the religious life, but i just blew it off as i was scared about that and i did not feel that God was calling me there. I still do not think that God is calling me there. However, I am not scared of the call to religious life. I am open to this calling. This is a beautiful calling. Some are made for it indeed, others are not. I am still discerning where God is calilng me -- single life, religious life, or married life. I do know that i want to get married, have a husband, and start my own family for as long as i can remember. God has put this on my heart for a reason i am sure of that. Discernment is difficult indeed, discerning God's voice through the noise of everyday life is difficult for me. Please pray for me that i can discern God's call in my life and in my heart, so that i may hear Him more clearly.

missing you.

so tonight i saw Nights in Rodanthe with randi, her mom, and her great aunt. it's a movie based off of a book of the same title by Nicholas Sparks.

So Good!!! i haven't cried that much in a movie in almost a year since P.S. I Love You.

God seems to reveal things to me in movies sometimes. It is quite interesting i find.

At the end of the movie, the mother character tells the daughter to hold out for a love that will make you a better person than you already are. I feel that is what God is trying to tell me lately.

He knows that i am tired of waiting for the so called "one". He knows that my wait and perserverance in virtue of chastity has not been for nothing.
He knows that i want to love someone without limits, and i want to love someone so much and make them better than they already are.

He knows i am lonely. He knows i get depressed sometimes from being lonely. I just need to lean on God when i do get lonely. He alone can fill my heart.

Almost i had some feeling in my heart of what my shay went through when papa red died. Maybe not exactly what it was like for her, but i know that she is lonely like i am. and she misses him too.

Also, i felt that i understood what it was like for my dad to lose his father at some level. That he died and was sick and as a doctor could not do anything to save him. i love my father for that. It really did mean something to me to see my dad cry and for me to know that he is not all mighty. We all have our weaknesses. Not one of us is perfect, no matter what we may think.

papa red i miss you and i love you. i want to see you face and hear your laugh and hear your stories. i can not wait until we meet again in Heaven.

good vs. evil

i don't understand how there is so much evil and good at the same time in the world.

there are so many good people, and evil still exists.

life is so good at times, and sometimes it's bad too.

Life is indeed a roller coaster ride.

We must pick our heads up and keep going!!

“It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.”
-Vince Lombardi

choose life!

this is dedicated to matthew lafleur.

what a great and amazing brother in Christ you are. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

You are amazing.

I found a note that Matt wrote and it moved me deeply.

"

Dear Future (even just Prospective) Parents,

My name is Matthew Lafleur. I am not a parent, so it seems weird that I would be able to give any parenting advice, but, if you will, humor me.

I was born with a genetic defect: a disorder called Freidriech's ataxia. This disorder has, over time, caused me to require a wheelchair and have a poor sense of balance.

Because the symptoms develop over time, it wasn't known that I had a genetic disorder until I was diagnosed in fifth grade, and I didn't need the use of a wheelchair until my freshman year of college. I have been wondering lately that if my parents had known that they were carriers of FA, would they have still borne me?

The tentative answer scares me, but doesn't shock me. Childhood for me had plenty of its discouragements and struggles and I told myself that I would never have kids; because in doing that I'd pass on a defective gene, thereby keeping FA in the world, perhaps making future generations suffer.

I've lately become aware of how grateful I am that my parents didn't have this philosophy when having me.

Life with a disability is difficult. To ignore this would be ignorant. But life, with or without a disability, is indeed worth living. Nothing for me compares to seeing the pyramids and sphinx at Cairo, skydiving in California, road trips taken with friends, "being there" for people, having people "be there" for me, good books, cute girls, prayers, and warm pizza.

Yes, I am sappy. But my point is that existence - even with a disability - is infinitely better than non-being.

So here is where I get to you, potential parents. Please don't choose not to have a child if early on (or later on) you find out the child has a handicap or limitation. I know this will cause a lot of difficulty for both you and the child: you will suffer. But that suffering doesn't need to overcome you. To exist is the greatest gift anyone can give. Period.

Now as for me, is the world better because Matt Lafleur is in it? Maybe not, but I am trying my best to better it. Probably I will make no lasting contribution to this world; and that's okay with me. To live, to enjoy life, to build relationships - I think that's enough. Maybe the purpose of life isn't 'doing' something, but just being.

And that works for me.

Sincerely,

--matt

"

post gustav...

so i'm kind of freaking out here. Gustav went over lafayette today, but i haven't heard from my dad today... ugggh trying not to freak out, i know that everything will be okay.... damn emotions.

i think i'm turning into a freaking introvert ... what the heckkk?? so i've been inside all damn day today. and i almost freaking exploded. like that never happened before. i like freaked out that i needed alone time so much. that never happened before. so luckily i took jess' dog for the mile or so lap around the lake at the madere's. It was windy, rainy, and wonderful. such what i needed :)

what is wrong with me and that i can't stand PDA at all? like being around my married and engaged friends this weekend has brought that to light so much. like seriously. it makes me angry that i can't handle that... i need to let the finding of my true love go and all will be okay. maybe i will be single for the rest of my life and that would be okay too. i know that i dont want to be lonely forever, but if that's what God wants for my life then so be it. I really want to have kids, but if that's not want God wants for me then so be it.... I just wish i knew what it is that God wants from me .....

I just have to keep on discerning :)

em's been going for 11 days. and it's been like a freaking emotional rollercoaster. i know that she is so happy with being in Honduras. It is definitely God's will for her. I miss her joy, her smile, her laughter, her love. I know that i have friends that are there for me but i miss her genuine and sincere love. She loves me with no limits and does not judge me at all for being messed up the way that i am. I miss that love. She holds me accountable. I badly need accountability in my life.

I need to look for sisters in Lafayette that will love me like she does and hold me accountable. I pray to Jesus that he will put friends in my life that will hold me accountable.

until next time,
b

gustav...

So Hurricane Gustav is rearing it's ugly head our way .... blech. i like the hurricane coming because i get to get away and be with some of my favoritest people in the world.... but i don't like the damage and destruction that it's going to do...

i'm worried for my friends and family back in lafayette that chose to stay there and no evacuate. i pray for my grandparents that they will be safe from Gustav's path and God will keep them under the shelter of His wings.

my heart, my heart

my heart my heart. why do you heart so? there are so many good people in this world. but somehow there are bad people out there who hurt us. i just makes no sense sometimes.

so it's been 2 years 7 months 11 days since papa red has left this world, for the heavenly world. i miss him so much. last sunday was hard. i cried at mass, and i wanted to keep crying... but i stopped. Something or rather someone was telling me that he is okay.... i really miss him, his sarcasm, his laughter, the sound of his somewhat raspy voice, i miss his stories. There is so much i wanted to learn from him about my family and where i come from.  I get really sad when i think about the day that i'll get married and he will not physically be there to watch me walk down the aisle. I know he is up in heaven looking down on me.   I would like to think that i would have his approval and that he would be proud of me and what i am doing with my life. I know i struggle and fall that's for sure, i am a sinner, but i would like to think that he is proud of me. I look at the picture of him in my living room several times a day, and he reminds me so much of john wayne and old western times.

i can't wait for my cowboy to come for me, and sweet me off my feet. Being swept off my feet has been on my heart for so long, despite my doubting that someone might actually like me. I know that he will come when the time is right. I am just so tired of waiting.  Alot of my friends are in relationships / engaged / married, and sometimes that makes me sad and really uspet. I want that. I want to be that loved and respected. I want him to look at me and smile. I doubt myself that i will never be good enough or worthy of a guy's love. But i know that's just me doubting myself and the devil trying to get inside my head. I know the time will come for me,  but i am just so tired of waiting.

What do i want to do with the rest of my life is a question i keep asking myself frequently. I've pretty much narrowed it down-- going back to school for nursing or photography is what i really want to do. I know both would be difficult. Nursing school would be very hard for me-- but it would be worth it. I would be able to financially support myself, and i would not always have to have a roommate. Photography is something that i love and i definitely want to pursue it. I just don't know if it's something i want to do as a career or just as a hobby.

my final thoughts:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is be vulnerable." -- C.S. Lewis

you tell me.

so a friend of mine is now blogging so i wanted to update this. for now some pictures i found on my dad's computer that i love.

so losing friends still hurts me. i know that's a part of life. we grow apart from our friends and move on. but still it sucks and it hurts but that's life. so i'll lose friends and make new ones.

but it will still hurt i guess i still don't like saying goodbye. i guess i never will. it will always hurt me. that i never got to finally tell papa red goodbye in person, and that will still always bother me. i try to let that go, and accept that. but it still comes back to me... arrrrgh!!

i need to live and let go.

i'm really excited for what's to come in life. i'm excited not to be living alone anymore, and maybe i won't be so lonely anymore. i'm ready for that :)

so life is what you make of it ......

LIFE is an opportunity, benefit from it.
LIFE is beauty, admire it.
LIFE is a dream, realize it.
LIFE is a challenge, meet it.
LIFE is a duty, complete it.
LIFE is a game, play it.
LIFE is a promise, fulfill it.
LIFE is a sorrow, overcome it.
LIFE is a song, sing it.
LIFE is a struggle, accept it.
LIFE is a tragedy, confront it.
LIFE is an adventure, dare it.
LIFE is luck, make it.
LIFE is too precious, do not destroy it.
LIFE is life, fight for it.
-Mother Theresa

so life is amazing right. i'm simply in love with life and where God is taking me and what God is doing with me. i just don't understand it sometimes, i think that life is fantastic... my friends are wonderful. sure i know that i don't hangout with him as much as i should... or as much as i want to .... but i know that they love me and they support me :) God is doing great things in my life. I'm going to be making some major changes..... i know it's going to take alotttt of hard work but i'm really excited for the new and real me. i haven't seen her in sooooo long. i miss her alottttt.

valencrap....

so here i sit the day after Valentine's Day... damn i hate that superficial and media frenzied holiday. That freaking holiday makes all of us single and doubting people feel all the worse about ourselves. I mean i know i'm single and i get reminded of that ever single day, but do i need another day to make me feel more horrible about myself... i mean seriously?? So the last 6 weeks or so have been crazy. I sure as heck have been interesting to say the least. i had been sick until the end of Janruary. Leaving my new years resolutions in the dust, maybe someday i will get back to them. I feel that i will be a hopeless failure. I try to do great things but i only stumble along the way. I try to figure God's will for my life, but i have no idea what he wants. I am greatly clueless. I think He's calling me to the single life but i have no idea. NONE. I would like to be in a relationship with a guy some day. I think i would be great for that. Giving myself something to devote myself towards. I think committing myself to something that would be great for me :) But who knows if that's what I'm called to. I'm scared to discern my call to the single life. For i fear, that could be my life's calling and i'm terribly scared of that. I don't want to be single the rest of my life. I don't want to dread valentine's day forever. I want to enjoy valentines day someday. I dont want to spend valenetine's day with my parents, i didn't last night thats for sure. I want to be loved. That's all i really want in life is to be loved. Is that something too much to ask for? I want to live a passionate life filled with love, hopes, dreams, aspirations. I want to inspire my friends to lead great lives. I want to travel the world. I want to meet people all over the world. I want to live a life worth living.

emotional whirlwind....

From 12-31-2007

okay so i'm just getting back from seeing PS I LOVE YOU. okay wow that movie was amazing. i have not cried that much in a movie in a really long time... wow... still trying to process this. but i'm not stuffing my face right now... so that's a good thing. i realized two things in the movie. (1)- i miss papa red alotttt.... i know he's in Heaven looking down on me. but i miss him so much. damn it hurts. but i know that one day we will be together again. i just regret not getting to tell him goodbye while he was alive or getting to tell him that i loved him. i need to let go of that regret. i know i'm always going to miss him no matter what. and healing needs to happen everyday. (2) i realized that i might be single for the rest of my life. i see my friends that are dating/engaged/married and im so happy for them and the joy that's going on in their lives, but on the other hand i'm also so freaking depressed. i want that happiness in their lives, but i know that i'm never going to have that. I feel lately that, that is not God's plan for my life. I'm just going to have to accept that. I'm dealing with this and praying about this. But i really just needed to get this out. Off of my chest... i'm going to be a single old hag for the rest of my life like Wheeza in Steel Magnolias.

my thoughts.
my brain.
pick it apart.
love me or leave me.
-moi