Thursday, July 24, 2008

my heart, my heart

my heart my heart. why do you heart so? there are so many good people in this world. but somehow there are bad people out there who hurt us. i just makes no sense sometimes.

so it's been 2 years 7 months 11 days since papa red has left this world, for the heavenly world. i miss him so much. last sunday was hard. i cried at mass, and i wanted to keep crying... but i stopped. Something or rather someone was telling me that he is okay.... i really miss him, his sarcasm, his laughter, the sound of his somewhat raspy voice, i miss his stories. There is so much i wanted to learn from him about my family and where i come from.  I get really sad when i think about the day that i'll get married and he will not physically be there to watch me walk down the aisle. I know he is up in heaven looking down on me.   I would like to think that i would have his approval and that he would be proud of me and what i am doing with my life. I know i struggle and fall that's for sure, i am a sinner, but i would like to think that he is proud of me. I look at the picture of him in my living room several times a day, and he reminds me so much of john wayne and old western times.

i can't wait for my cowboy to come for me, and sweet me off my feet. Being swept off my feet has been on my heart for so long, despite my doubting that someone might actually like me. I know that he will come when the time is right. I am just so tired of waiting.  Alot of my friends are in relationships / engaged / married, and sometimes that makes me sad and really uspet. I want that. I want to be that loved and respected. I want him to look at me and smile. I doubt myself that i will never be good enough or worthy of a guy's love. But i know that's just me doubting myself and the devil trying to get inside my head. I know the time will come for me,  but i am just so tired of waiting.

What do i want to do with the rest of my life is a question i keep asking myself frequently. I've pretty much narrowed it down-- going back to school for nursing or photography is what i really want to do. I know both would be difficult. Nursing school would be very hard for me-- but it would be worth it. I would be able to financially support myself, and i would not always have to have a roommate. Photography is something that i love and i definitely want to pursue it. I just don't know if it's something i want to do as a career or just as a hobby.

my final thoughts:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is be vulnerable." -- C.S. Lewis

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

As just someone who happened onto your blog, I get the sense you may be focusing on "finding Mr. Right" too much. "They" say (whoever they is)that the best thing to do to take away our depression and anxiety and fear, is to focus on and do something for others. I am now a 52 year old lady and as I look back on my life, I think I spent too much time wishing and hoping just like you are and not enough time just getting involved in activities/clubs/organizations that matched with my interests. Anyway, I offer this insight only as a possible help for you to just really get yourself out there and be busy and meet new people, and hopefully Mr. Right will be one of them, but if not, you will still have an amazing and fulfilled life. Good luck to you my friend, Sisters in Christ, Pam