Saturday, February 16, 2008


so here i sit the day after Valentine's Day... damn i hate that superficial and media frenzied holiday. That freaking holiday makes all of us single and doubting people feel all the worse about ourselves. I mean i know i'm single and i get reminded of that ever single day, but do i need another day to make me feel more horrible about myself... i mean seriously?? So the last 6 weeks or so have been crazy. I sure as heck have been interesting to say the least. i had been sick until the end of Janruary. Leaving my new years resolutions in the dust, maybe someday i will get back to them. I feel that i will be a hopeless failure. I try to do great things but i only stumble along the way. I try to figure God's will for my life, but i have no idea what he wants. I am greatly clueless. I think He's calling me to the single life but i have no idea. NONE. I would like to be in a relationship with a guy some day. I think i would be great for that. Giving myself something to devote myself towards. I think committing myself to something that would be great for me :) But who knows if that's what I'm called to. I'm scared to discern my call to the single life. For i fear, that could be my life's calling and i'm terribly scared of that. I don't want to be single the rest of my life. I don't want to dread valentine's day forever. I want to enjoy valentines day someday. I dont want to spend valenetine's day with my parents, i didn't last night thats for sure. I want to be loved. That's all i really want in life is to be loved. Is that something too much to ask for? I want to live a passionate life filled with love, hopes, dreams, aspirations. I want to inspire my friends to lead great lives. I want to travel the world. I want to meet people all over the world. I want to live a life worth living.

Monday, February 11, 2008

emotional whirlwind....

From 12-31-2007

okay so i'm just getting back from seeing PS I LOVE YOU. okay wow that movie was amazing. i have not cried that much in a movie in a really long time... wow... still trying to process this. but i'm not stuffing my face right now... so that's a good thing. i realized two things in the movie. (1)- i miss papa red alotttt.... i know he's in Heaven looking down on me. but i miss him so much. damn it hurts. but i know that one day we will be together again. i just regret not getting to tell him goodbye while he was alive or getting to tell him that i loved him. i need to let go of that regret. i know i'm always going to miss him no matter what. and healing needs to happen everyday. (2) i realized that i might be single for the rest of my life. i see my friends that are dating/engaged/married and im so happy for them and the joy that's going on in their lives, but on the other hand i'm also so freaking depressed. i want that happiness in their lives, but i know that i'm never going to have that. I feel lately that, that is not God's plan for my life. I'm just going to have to accept that. I'm dealing with this and praying about this. But i really just needed to get this out. Off of my chest... i'm going to be a single old hag for the rest of my life like Wheeza in Steel Magnolias.

my thoughts.
my brain.
pick it apart.
love me or leave me.