missing you.

so tonight i saw Nights in Rodanthe with randi, her mom, and her great aunt. it's a movie based off of a book of the same title by Nicholas Sparks.

So Good!!! i haven't cried that much in a movie in almost a year since P.S. I Love You.

God seems to reveal things to me in movies sometimes. It is quite interesting i find.

At the end of the movie, the mother character tells the daughter to hold out for a love that will make you a better person than you already are. I feel that is what God is trying to tell me lately.

He knows that i am tired of waiting for the so called "one". He knows that my wait and perserverance in virtue of chastity has not been for nothing.
He knows that i want to love someone without limits, and i want to love someone so much and make them better than they already are.

He knows i am lonely. He knows i get depressed sometimes from being lonely. I just need to lean on God when i do get lonely. He alone can fill my heart.

Almost i had some feeling in my heart of what my shay went through when papa red died. Maybe not exactly what it was like for her, but i know that she is lonely like i am. and she misses him too.

Also, i felt that i understood what it was like for my dad to lose his father at some level. That he died and was sick and as a doctor could not do anything to save him. i love my father for that. It really did mean something to me to see my dad cry and for me to know that he is not all mighty. We all have our weaknesses. Not one of us is perfect, no matter what we may think.

papa red i miss you and i love you. i want to see you face and hear your laugh and hear your stories. i can not wait until we meet again in Heaven.

good vs. evil

i don't understand how there is so much evil and good at the same time in the world.

there are so many good people, and evil still exists.

life is so good at times, and sometimes it's bad too.

Life is indeed a roller coaster ride.

We must pick our heads up and keep going!!

“It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.”
-Vince Lombardi

choose life!

this is dedicated to matthew lafleur.

what a great and amazing brother in Christ you are. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

You are amazing.

I found a note that Matt wrote and it moved me deeply.

"

Dear Future (even just Prospective) Parents,

My name is Matthew Lafleur. I am not a parent, so it seems weird that I would be able to give any parenting advice, but, if you will, humor me.

I was born with a genetic defect: a disorder called Freidriech's ataxia. This disorder has, over time, caused me to require a wheelchair and have a poor sense of balance.

Because the symptoms develop over time, it wasn't known that I had a genetic disorder until I was diagnosed in fifth grade, and I didn't need the use of a wheelchair until my freshman year of college. I have been wondering lately that if my parents had known that they were carriers of FA, would they have still borne me?

The tentative answer scares me, but doesn't shock me. Childhood for me had plenty of its discouragements and struggles and I told myself that I would never have kids; because in doing that I'd pass on a defective gene, thereby keeping FA in the world, perhaps making future generations suffer.

I've lately become aware of how grateful I am that my parents didn't have this philosophy when having me.

Life with a disability is difficult. To ignore this would be ignorant. But life, with or without a disability, is indeed worth living. Nothing for me compares to seeing the pyramids and sphinx at Cairo, skydiving in California, road trips taken with friends, "being there" for people, having people "be there" for me, good books, cute girls, prayers, and warm pizza.

Yes, I am sappy. But my point is that existence - even with a disability - is infinitely better than non-being.

So here is where I get to you, potential parents. Please don't choose not to have a child if early on (or later on) you find out the child has a handicap or limitation. I know this will cause a lot of difficulty for both you and the child: you will suffer. But that suffering doesn't need to overcome you. To exist is the greatest gift anyone can give. Period.

Now as for me, is the world better because Matt Lafleur is in it? Maybe not, but I am trying my best to better it. Probably I will make no lasting contribution to this world; and that's okay with me. To live, to enjoy life, to build relationships - I think that's enough. Maybe the purpose of life isn't 'doing' something, but just being.

And that works for me.

Sincerely,

--matt

"

post gustav...

so i'm kind of freaking out here. Gustav went over lafayette today, but i haven't heard from my dad today... ugggh trying not to freak out, i know that everything will be okay.... damn emotions.

i think i'm turning into a freaking introvert ... what the heckkk?? so i've been inside all damn day today. and i almost freaking exploded. like that never happened before. i like freaked out that i needed alone time so much. that never happened before. so luckily i took jess' dog for the mile or so lap around the lake at the madere's. It was windy, rainy, and wonderful. such what i needed :)

what is wrong with me and that i can't stand PDA at all? like being around my married and engaged friends this weekend has brought that to light so much. like seriously. it makes me angry that i can't handle that... i need to let the finding of my true love go and all will be okay. maybe i will be single for the rest of my life and that would be okay too. i know that i dont want to be lonely forever, but if that's what God wants for my life then so be it. I really want to have kids, but if that's not want God wants for me then so be it.... I just wish i knew what it is that God wants from me .....

I just have to keep on discerning :)

em's been going for 11 days. and it's been like a freaking emotional rollercoaster. i know that she is so happy with being in Honduras. It is definitely God's will for her. I miss her joy, her smile, her laughter, her love. I know that i have friends that are there for me but i miss her genuine and sincere love. She loves me with no limits and does not judge me at all for being messed up the way that i am. I miss that love. She holds me accountable. I badly need accountability in my life.

I need to look for sisters in Lafayette that will love me like she does and hold me accountable. I pray to Jesus that he will put friends in my life that will hold me accountable.

until next time,
b

gustav...

So Hurricane Gustav is rearing it's ugly head our way .... blech. i like the hurricane coming because i get to get away and be with some of my favoritest people in the world.... but i don't like the damage and destruction that it's going to do...

i'm worried for my friends and family back in lafayette that chose to stay there and no evacuate. i pray for my grandparents that they will be safe from Gustav's path and God will keep them under the shelter of His wings.

my heart, my heart

my heart my heart. why do you heart so? there are so many good people in this world. but somehow there are bad people out there who hurt us. i just makes no sense sometimes.

so it's been 2 years 7 months 11 days since papa red has left this world, for the heavenly world. i miss him so much. last sunday was hard. i cried at mass, and i wanted to keep crying... but i stopped. Something or rather someone was telling me that he is okay.... i really miss him, his sarcasm, his laughter, the sound of his somewhat raspy voice, i miss his stories. There is so much i wanted to learn from him about my family and where i come from.  I get really sad when i think about the day that i'll get married and he will not physically be there to watch me walk down the aisle. I know he is up in heaven looking down on me.   I would like to think that i would have his approval and that he would be proud of me and what i am doing with my life. I know i struggle and fall that's for sure, i am a sinner, but i would like to think that he is proud of me. I look at the picture of him in my living room several times a day, and he reminds me so much of john wayne and old western times.

i can't wait for my cowboy to come for me, and sweet me off my feet. Being swept off my feet has been on my heart for so long, despite my doubting that someone might actually like me. I know that he will come when the time is right. I am just so tired of waiting.  Alot of my friends are in relationships / engaged / married, and sometimes that makes me sad and really uspet. I want that. I want to be that loved and respected. I want him to look at me and smile. I doubt myself that i will never be good enough or worthy of a guy's love. But i know that's just me doubting myself and the devil trying to get inside my head. I know the time will come for me,  but i am just so tired of waiting.

What do i want to do with the rest of my life is a question i keep asking myself frequently. I've pretty much narrowed it down-- going back to school for nursing or photography is what i really want to do. I know both would be difficult. Nursing school would be very hard for me-- but it would be worth it. I would be able to financially support myself, and i would not always have to have a roommate. Photography is something that i love and i definitely want to pursue it. I just don't know if it's something i want to do as a career or just as a hobby.

my final thoughts:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is be vulnerable." -- C.S. Lewis

you tell me.

so a friend of mine is now blogging so i wanted to update this. for now some pictures i found on my dad's computer that i love.

so losing friends still hurts me. i know that's a part of life. we grow apart from our friends and move on. but still it sucks and it hurts but that's life. so i'll lose friends and make new ones.

but it will still hurt i guess i still don't like saying goodbye. i guess i never will. it will always hurt me. that i never got to finally tell papa red goodbye in person, and that will still always bother me. i try to let that go, and accept that. but it still comes back to me... arrrrgh!!

i need to live and let go.

i'm really excited for what's to come in life. i'm excited not to be living alone anymore, and maybe i won't be so lonely anymore. i'm ready for that :)