my heart, my heart

my heart my heart. why do you heart so? there are so many good people in this world. but somehow there are bad people out there who hurt us. i just makes no sense sometimes.

so it's been 2 years 7 months 11 days since papa red has left this world, for the heavenly world. i miss him so much. last sunday was hard. i cried at mass, and i wanted to keep crying... but i stopped. Something or rather someone was telling me that he is okay.... i really miss him, his sarcasm, his laughter, the sound of his somewhat raspy voice, i miss his stories. There is so much i wanted to learn from him about my family and where i come from.  I get really sad when i think about the day that i'll get married and he will not physically be there to watch me walk down the aisle. I know he is up in heaven looking down on me.   I would like to think that i would have his approval and that he would be proud of me and what i am doing with my life. I know i struggle and fall that's for sure, i am a sinner, but i would like to think that he is proud of me. I look at the picture of him in my living room several times a day, and he reminds me so much of john wayne and old western times.

i can't wait for my cowboy to come for me, and sweet me off my feet. Being swept off my feet has been on my heart for so long, despite my doubting that someone might actually like me. I know that he will come when the time is right. I am just so tired of waiting.  Alot of my friends are in relationships / engaged / married, and sometimes that makes me sad and really uspet. I want that. I want to be that loved and respected. I want him to look at me and smile. I doubt myself that i will never be good enough or worthy of a guy's love. But i know that's just me doubting myself and the devil trying to get inside my head. I know the time will come for me,  but i am just so tired of waiting.

What do i want to do with the rest of my life is a question i keep asking myself frequently. I've pretty much narrowed it down-- going back to school for nursing or photography is what i really want to do. I know both would be difficult. Nursing school would be very hard for me-- but it would be worth it. I would be able to financially support myself, and i would not always have to have a roommate. Photography is something that i love and i definitely want to pursue it. I just don't know if it's something i want to do as a career or just as a hobby.

my final thoughts:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is be vulnerable." -- C.S. Lewis

you tell me.

so a friend of mine is now blogging so i wanted to update this. for now some pictures i found on my dad's computer that i love.

so losing friends still hurts me. i know that's a part of life. we grow apart from our friends and move on. but still it sucks and it hurts but that's life. so i'll lose friends and make new ones.

but it will still hurt i guess i still don't like saying goodbye. i guess i never will. it will always hurt me. that i never got to finally tell papa red goodbye in person, and that will still always bother me. i try to let that go, and accept that. but it still comes back to me... arrrrgh!!

i need to live and let go.

i'm really excited for what's to come in life. i'm excited not to be living alone anymore, and maybe i won't be so lonely anymore. i'm ready for that :)

so life is what you make of it ......

LIFE is an opportunity, benefit from it.
LIFE is beauty, admire it.
LIFE is a dream, realize it.
LIFE is a challenge, meet it.
LIFE is a duty, complete it.
LIFE is a game, play it.
LIFE is a promise, fulfill it.
LIFE is a sorrow, overcome it.
LIFE is a song, sing it.
LIFE is a struggle, accept it.
LIFE is a tragedy, confront it.
LIFE is an adventure, dare it.
LIFE is luck, make it.
LIFE is too precious, do not destroy it.
LIFE is life, fight for it.
-Mother Theresa

so life is amazing right. i'm simply in love with life and where God is taking me and what God is doing with me. i just don't understand it sometimes, i think that life is fantastic... my friends are wonderful. sure i know that i don't hangout with him as much as i should... or as much as i want to .... but i know that they love me and they support me :) God is doing great things in my life. I'm going to be making some major changes..... i know it's going to take alotttt of hard work but i'm really excited for the new and real me. i haven't seen her in sooooo long. i miss her alottttt.

valencrap....

so here i sit the day after Valentine's Day... damn i hate that superficial and media frenzied holiday. That freaking holiday makes all of us single and doubting people feel all the worse about ourselves. I mean i know i'm single and i get reminded of that ever single day, but do i need another day to make me feel more horrible about myself... i mean seriously?? So the last 6 weeks or so have been crazy. I sure as heck have been interesting to say the least. i had been sick until the end of Janruary. Leaving my new years resolutions in the dust, maybe someday i will get back to them. I feel that i will be a hopeless failure. I try to do great things but i only stumble along the way. I try to figure God's will for my life, but i have no idea what he wants. I am greatly clueless. I think He's calling me to the single life but i have no idea. NONE. I would like to be in a relationship with a guy some day. I think i would be great for that. Giving myself something to devote myself towards. I think committing myself to something that would be great for me :) But who knows if that's what I'm called to. I'm scared to discern my call to the single life. For i fear, that could be my life's calling and i'm terribly scared of that. I don't want to be single the rest of my life. I don't want to dread valentine's day forever. I want to enjoy valentines day someday. I dont want to spend valenetine's day with my parents, i didn't last night thats for sure. I want to be loved. That's all i really want in life is to be loved. Is that something too much to ask for? I want to live a passionate life filled with love, hopes, dreams, aspirations. I want to inspire my friends to lead great lives. I want to travel the world. I want to meet people all over the world. I want to live a life worth living.

emotional whirlwind....

From 12-31-2007

okay so i'm just getting back from seeing PS I LOVE YOU. okay wow that movie was amazing. i have not cried that much in a movie in a really long time... wow... still trying to process this. but i'm not stuffing my face right now... so that's a good thing. i realized two things in the movie. (1)- i miss papa red alotttt.... i know he's in Heaven looking down on me. but i miss him so much. damn it hurts. but i know that one day we will be together again. i just regret not getting to tell him goodbye while he was alive or getting to tell him that i loved him. i need to let go of that regret. i know i'm always going to miss him no matter what. and healing needs to happen everyday. (2) i realized that i might be single for the rest of my life. i see my friends that are dating/engaged/married and im so happy for them and the joy that's going on in their lives, but on the other hand i'm also so freaking depressed. i want that happiness in their lives, but i know that i'm never going to have that. I feel lately that, that is not God's plan for my life. I'm just going to have to accept that. I'm dealing with this and praying about this. But i really just needed to get this out. Off of my chest... i'm going to be a single old hag for the rest of my life like Wheeza in Steel Magnolias.

my thoughts.
my brain.
pick it apart.
love me or leave me.
-moi

ahhh the mondays

life really is funny sometimes. sometimes we have thoughts of how we want our life to go, and God totally has different plans for our lives. It really is quite funny. So now, i've finished 7 months of medical assisting school. It was quite interesting and fun and crazy and dramatic and intense and great all at the same time. I managed to maintain my 4.0 GPA the entire 7 months. which was the first time that had ever happened in my ENTIRE LIFE, and i was nominated to the school's medical honor society which was quite an achievement for me. i was very excited to have achieved that. I learned that if i try hard, i can do anything that i put my mind to. My parents always told me that.. but i didn't really believe it for myself. but now i do :) i know that i can do anything that i want to, i just have to try hard! and my dad told me that when i was finished school we'd go shopping for a new car for me, and he just told me that we're going to start shopping for a car this weekend. i'm totally quite excited!!! i can't wait to have my own car, and to be able to decorate my car how i want to decorate it.. i deserve my own new car. i've driven hammy-down cars for the last 5 years from my sisters, and they're just breaking down. so i deserve this and am very much excited. so it's been 22 months since papa red died, and i still miss him alot. it'll be 2 years on December 13th. i miss him being physically present in my life, i know that he'll always be present in my heart. I just miss him talking to me and telling me stories, and just being my grandpa. I wish he could be here to celebrate these achievements in my life. But i know that he is smiling down on me from heaven.... I've met alot of great people lately, and i'm very grateful for them blessing my life... i can't wait to see what God's going to do in my life next... I'm really excited about mission trip in January and hopefully i will be going there :) i need God to open my heart and my eyes to new things and new experiences. i'm going to be making some personal changes in the new few weeks.. so keep posted for that greatness

much love.
b to the ritt